Battle of the Exes
is the thirteenth episode of Red vs. Blue: Revelation and the 166th episode overall. The episode aired on July 19, 2010. Plot At Sandtrap, Washington, Doc, and the Meta observe the discovered Epsilon unit. Despite the Meta's optimism, Wash points out the unit is empty and postulates Epsilon was transferred to the moniter unit, which he describes as a "floating metal eye". Having not seen the Epsilon in this form, Doc believes Wash hallucinating and the Meta backs up Doc's presumption to irritate Wash further. Wash then orders the Meta to modify Epsilon’s storage unit to "capture" Epsilon once they find it. Meanwhile at the Freelancer Facility, the Reds and Blues debate over freeing Tex from lockdown. To ensure Tex is not dangerous, Epsilon-Church enters her mind, where she voices resentment toward him for freeing her. She explains her earlier hostility as her attempting to escape, accusing the others for being in her way. Eventually, she agrees to not hurt the others, on the condition that she gets to beat Tucker for an earlier wisecrack. Epsilon-Church agrees and frees her, but forgets to warn Tucker what is coming. The episode ends for non sponsors, but for sponsors there is a bonus scene that shows Donut waking up due to ending of the Recovery Mode in his armor. Characters In the sponsor only ending of this episode, Donut is shown to be alive. Do not remove this information from this Article. It is canon. Red Team *Sarge *Grif *Simmons *Donut (Sponsor Version Only) Blue Team *Caboose *Epsilon-Church *Tucker *Tex Others *Agent Washington *The Meta *Doc *F.I.L.S.S. Transcript Fade in to the Meta, Doc and Wash in no particular order standing over the Epsilon unit Meta: (something) Washington: Don't get excited, it's empty. Doc: What is it? Washington: This is the Epsilon unit. Doc: This is what you've been looking for? Washington: Yes. Doc: Not what I was expecting. I mean I like the colour, but other than that, nihh... Washington: Clearly they transferred Epsilon into that floating thing we saw. Doc: You saw a floating thing? Washington: Yes, like a metal eye. It shot a laser at us. Doc: Yeah, okay. Hey Wash, this sun is really hot, maybe we should find you some shade. Washington: I'm not hallucinating, Meta saw it too. Meta: (something) Washington: Oh yes you did! Don't even try that. Doc: Wash, do you see the floating eyeball now? Is he here with us? Washington: Don't psychoanalyze me. Doc: I'd like to talk to the laser eye for a minute Wash. Washington: Shut up. Meta, let's convert this to a recovery unit. But be careful, this thing looks like it's in bad shape. Meta: (something) The Meta walks over to the Epsilon unit and starts doing stuff to it Doc: What's he doing? Washington: This is a storage unit, but we're trained to modify them. We can change a storage unit into a capture unit. That way, the next time we see Epsilon, he won't get away. Doc: Are you talking about the regular Epsilon, or the Epsilon who's just a floating head and visits you when you're alone. Washington: I'm not crazy. And it was just the eye that was floating around, not a whole head. Doc: Yes Wash, because the whole head is what makes it crazy. Cut to the Freelancer facility where the Reds and Blues are seen standing over Tex's body on the floor Church: I'm waking her up. Sarge: No way buddy. You must have missed the smashfest we just went through. I ain't repeating that. Church: Hey, we made a deal: I unlock you, you have to help me with her. Grif: Hey, now hold on a second. Simmons: This affects the entire group. I say we put it to a vote. All those in favor of waking her up and letting her kill us, say Aye. Church: Aye. Caboose? Caboose: Present. Church: No, we're not doing that. Just say aye. Caboose: You. Oops I mean me! Church: No; Aye. Caboose: Church. Church: Just say Aye. Caboose: Oh, I get it, right, sorry. My left eye or my right eye? Church: He votes yes. Caboose: I would also like it noted I was present. Sarge: Okay. And everyone in favor of not doing that thing and leaving her asleep and not getting killed by the person we're not going to wake up because nobody is that stupid, say Nay. Simmons: That was like a, quadruple negative. Sarge: Just vote. Simmons: Nay? Grif: I didn't even understand the question, so I'm just gonna say Blueberry. Church: Fuck it, veto, she comes out. So Sheila, is there any way to turn her, only you know, partway back on? F.I.L.S.S: No, I am sorry. I can either leave her in lock, or take her out of lock. There is no in between. Tucker: So she's either completely asleep, or full-on bitch. Sounds like my ex-wife. Caboose: You were married? Tucker: Haw-ha- gross, I hope not. Church: Well, we have to do something. Grif: Why do people always say that; we have to do something? We don't have to do anything. Let's just let sleeping maniacs lie. Church: Here, let me try this. Church leaves his body to become Ghost Church again, and enters Tex (bow chicka bow wow). Cut to her lockdown environment, where Church is oddly still blue. Church: Tex? Tex, hello? Can you hear me? Tex: Of course I can hear you. What do you want? Church: What do you mean 'what do I want?' The guys just wanna make sure you're not gonna, you know, beat the living shit out of them if we wake you up. Tex: Aww, what're they gonna do, cry? Church: What's wrong with you? And why did you go nuts when we woke you up? Tex: Last time I was in a place like this, I was trying to get out as fast as I could. Church: Yeah, I remember. Tex: They just got in my way. It's not my fault they can't fight. Church: Okay so is that, 'I won't beat the living shit out of them any more?' Tex: We'll see. Church: I guess that'll have to do. Tex: But, I am, gonna deck that one with the sword for making that stupid ex-wife crack. Church: Alright, that seems fair. So, we're, cool? Tex: Well, I'm cool. Church: Nice to have you back Tex. Always a pleasure. Tex: Hey, I didn't ask to come back. Apparently somebody decided they couldn't live without me. Church: I thought you would be happy, you know, being alive is typically better than being dead. Tex: Yeah. Everybody always seems to know what's best for Tex. Church: So this is it, you're just going to be abrasive right outta the gate? Not even a thank-you? Tex: Oh I see, we're gonna make this about you for a change. How refreshing. Church: Alright. I'm gonna go now. Nice talking to ya. Tex: Hyeah, see ya. Church returns to the real world Tucker: What did she say? Church: Okay, I think we got it all worked out. Grif: She cool? Church: As cool as she ever was. Grif: That does not inspire confidence in me. Church: Wake her up Sheila. F.I.L.S.S: Affirmative. Simmons: Back up, back up. F.I.L.S.S: Ending Recovery mode, all units. Tex gets up Tex: Uh! Church: Uh, how're you feeling? Tex runs over and punches Tucker in the front of his face Tucker: Ow! Tex: Better now. Tucker: What the fuck? Church: Oh riiight. I forgot to mention one thing. F.I.L.S.S (voice over): Ending Recovery Mode: All units. The camera pans outside the Freelancer facility F.I.L.S.S (voice over): Ending Recovery Mode: All units. The camera continues to pan as the location changes to Sandtrap F.I.L.S.S. (voice over): Ending Recovery Mode: All units. Ending Recovery Mode: All units. The camera continues to pan as the location changes again to Valhalla F.I.L.S.S (voice over): Ending Recovery Mode: All units. The camera continues to pan. Donut's body is seen on the ground. F.I.L.S.S: Ending Recovery Mode: All units. Donut gets up, alive and well. Donut: Ugh! What happened? Who shot me? What a jerk! Ah man, I got blood over my good shoes. These stains are never gonna come out.